Agnes’ BFH (Best Forever Human)

Hello Agnes! You must be one around now. You’re officially a BIG pig!
I sure am! Though I’m only big in terms of age. If we’re talking stature I’m slender and petit, unlike some p… Alice has actual fat rolls on her legs now.

We’re not here to talk about Alice. I want you to tell me more about yourself!
Well, to think that those mean hamsters at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals told me I’d be a gonner within two weeks. Pah! Just look at me rocking the twelve month mark! I am a beacon of health.

You look radiant. And remember, there’s no need to listen to hamsters. Like, ever. So what was it like? Being rescued, I mean.
Pretty terrifying with loud bangs and shouting and pigs running everywhere. Almost as terrifying as living on the streets as a piglet… Agnes looks thoughtfully into the distance. Sometimes I have nightmares but my Human always gives me some place to hide. Peeking at the world does make it a much better place, doesn’t it?

That’s very profound! So what happened when you were adopted? 
Well, this tall man came into the small animal department and stared at me in my little glass bedroom. I hid behind my nesting box at first. But, did you know that my paperwork said my name was ‘Tazzy’? Somehow the man knew that my name is actually ‘Agnes’. Imagine that! So it’s lucky that he took me home and became my Human.

How fortuitous! Do you spend a lot of time together?
We hang out all the time! We love watching the game on Saturday nights.

Really? I never had you down as the sporting type. Who do you support?
Teams that begin with ‘A’ – Arsenal, Aberdeen and Arbroath. Guinea pig fans are massively underrepresented in football, even though we don’t take up much space in the stands. I still get super excited when we score though. I have a little dance that I do. I call it the Ness Mess and it’s accompanied by loud shrieking, just like my Human.

Hilarious! You guys have a lot of fun.
Yeah, we have such a laugh! Sometimes, he pretends to steal my nose. One time, he made it look like I had no ears. Hahaha! What a clown.

Look at your little face, you’re such a cutie.
We take care of each other too, my Human and me. I groom him every day, ensuring his skin is smooth and he has no fleas. And whilst he doesn’t actually lick or nibble me, because that would be weird, (and the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals might take me back) he keeps my fur smooth and sleek with patting and petting. I guess that’s why I look so good all the time.

It’s nice that you look out for each other. And yes, you are very well groomed.
I really feel like he really understands me, you know? I can tell him what I have eaten that hour, where I’ve been digging and napping, and I can keep him updated on my progress with gnawing various items. And he understands what it’s like to be hit unexpectedly on the bum by the hay log which hangs from my roof and swings around for no reason.

I won’t ask how he is familiar with that sensation… 
Other times, we just chill out and nobody says anything. I think about what is going to appear in my food bowl next, where I’m going to stretch out when I get home, or when I should have a scratch.

Sounds relaxing enough. What does he think about?
Oh you know, Human stuff. Facebook, football scores, how he can make a cup of tea without moving.

I’m glad you’ve got such a good Human. You deserve the very best.
Right! Sometimes, I just like to sit on his shoulder and think about how lucky I am. Ugh, you should have seen and smelt some of the little brats that used to come into the small animal department and tease us. They are anathema to pet happiness. I’d rather be homeless all over again than live with them.

Luckily though Agnes, that’s never going to happen is it?
No! He’s my BFH, my best forever human. AND I LOVE HIM!