Apples to Anarchy in Three Minutes

Okay pigs, take your places! Our April 2015 Apple Eating Contest is now OPEN! Ready… steady… go!
Shelagh: Go? Now? I started ten seconds ago. I’m halfway through already.
Alice: Me too. Lip smack. Umm, I think I’ve eaten the apple sticker. Yeach.
Agnes: Psst, Donna, what exactly is going on here?
Donna: chomp chomp chomp

Agnes, we are seeing who can eat their piece of apple the fastest.
Agnes: I actually don’t care much for apples.

Just try it little pig! It’s nice and sweet. 
Agnes: Ugh, OKAY then.

There’s no need to make that face. It’s not THAT bad. There are thousands of starving pigs who would love your apple. 
Agnes: I’m sorry but if it ain’t green then I ain’t keen. Can I have a piece of celery instead?
Donna: NO because it’s an APPLE eating contest! Argh! You’re so ANNOYING!

Donna Pig, stop head butting Agnes. Remember, she’s a rescue pig, she doesn’t always understand.
Agnes: Everyone is always so horrible to me, just because I’m the smallest and spent time squeaking rough. It’s just so unfair and…

Oi! Get your fluffy fire bum out of my camera lens. And Agnes, there’s no need to sulk in a teacup. 
Donna: Do you think I’ve gained weight? Because if not, I’m storming the fridge, who’s with me?

This is anarchy! Pigs, stop running around!
Alice: BORED NOW. Did I really sit still for thirty seconds? Mental! I’m gonna go chew stuff.
Shelagh: Ohh unguarded television unit alert! I’m off to sit underneath it and stare at everyone! Laters!

Shelagh Pig! You know the rules about the TV unit. OUT! And Alice, if you so much as lick a wire you are going straight into your nesting box without even a whiff of hay. And look Agnes, I’m sorry that you had to eat an apple. Just come… 
Shelagh: Psst Agnes, whisper whisper 
Agnes: Hehehe! Yes I can totally see it! But how does she make that face without whiskers?

Are you talking about me?! Shelagh, what are you doing now? Do you have a sugar rush from your apple?
Shelagh: I am QUEEN Shelagh! Look how high I can climb! I’m a monkey pig! Woo!

GET DOWN! 
Shelagh: wobble wobble Umm on second thoughts, my monkey pig branch might collapse at any moment.

Well that’s what you get for being a silly sow. 
Agnes: Stand back, she’s gonna blow!

I have no sympathy. And don’t poop on my cookery books. 
Shelagh: Seriously you scoop me out of G-block when I’m eating, nesting, digging and chewing my toenails and yet you LEAVE me here when I am about to have a pigstronomical disaster? When I have four paws on the ground I am writing a very stiff letter to the SPCA about this.

Okay Shelagh, here you go, all safe. Where’s Donna? She’s not playing in the recycling box again is she? You guys regroup and stay put whilst I find her. 
Alice: Yeah right two-legs!
Agnes: Sorry, but there’s a beautiful bookcase yonder which requires my teeth. And I bet it tastes nicer than some APPLE.

And that was that. Here lies the end of the April 2015 Apple Eating Contest.

Scores
1st place: Shelagh (third apple along, what’s left of it)
2nd place: Alice (fourth apple along, a good effort)
3rd place: Donna (first apple, could have tried harder)
4th place: Agnes (second apple, barely touched, may eat later)